Dear Me,
you are not okay. And I think it's about time you finally admitted it to yourself.
We both now you haven't been okay for the past couple of days, well okay, weeks, maybe months... If not years. You haven't been fully okay in actual years and it's about time to finally admit this, as hurtful as it might be.
You haven't been okay since the day you found out about your father cheating on your mother and this is a very long time. You have still been in high school that day, 2/3 ways through high school and now it's been about 4 years and you haven't been fully okay for the entire 4 years - seems like you might have set a record and, if so, this is the worst accomplishment you could have ever accomplished.
You have always been so open to others about mental health, about feeling okay, and sometimes it hurt you even more, cause people couldn't understand it, but the truth is you haven't been fully open about it to one more person - yourself. You have been trying to hide your feelings for over 4 years, so it's not a surprise that it all finally burst open, and, you guessed it, it did. And it did in the worst way possible - now you not only have to deal with picking yourself up yet again, but this is going to be the most hurtful picking up ever - you now have to deal with shit that has been in you for the past four years. Not only the cheating, divorce, accusations, but also school, driver's license, university and many, many more. You have gathered it up in you for the past 4 years, so it isn't a surprise that it has finally burst out of you and completely pushed you to the edge of your life. The depression hit you like a goddamn truck.
And, Honey, I wish I could somehow pick you out of it, but you have to do it yourself. You already know that you have no support in your Mother, since she doesn't believe in any kind of mental illness, and you won't have her support in this matter, as in any other, but we'll talk about that later. You won't have support from anyone from your little city, cause noone will believe that such a sweet, happy soul like you, might have so many problems to deal with, as well as they just won't care for it. The only people you can somehow ask for help are your friends - but, let's face it, you will be the best person to help yourself. You know, what you've been through, you know, what broke you, so you know what can pick you out of this rut you're in. And, baby, don't you cry, as you are doing right now - everything will be just fine at the very end. If it isn't okay, then that means it's not the end!
I know these are some shitty, motivational quotes from Pinterest or Tumblr and they won't help you at all right now and I'm truly sorry. Just please, remember, that it's okay to cry. You have to go through all the sorrow you've been accumulating in you, to finally feel true happiness. It hurts and I know it, but it will get better, I promise.
You haven't been okay in such a long time, you probably don't even remember what it feels like, but as soon as you will be okay, you'll know. It's a feeling you truly can't describe, like love. But once you'll feel it, you'll know that this has been what you're looking for.
It's not okay now. You are blaming yourself yet again. You are under a lot of pressure from everyone around. You feel heartbroken. You feel ruined. You feel shattered to pieces. You feel like nothing will ever be better. But, oh honey, it will. In order to feel better again, you have to take so many steps, but at least you had taken the first one. You admitted that you weren't okay.
You are blaming yourself for the divorce, yet again. You know it's a closed chapter, but you can constantly hear your mother blaming you, yet again, for those events.
You are blaming yourself for all the feelings of hatred you felt during those events, but you can't move past them.
You feel like a complete loser, that hasn't accomplished anything in particular, that you are oving backwards, that everything, absolutely EVERYTHING is not going the way it should.
It probably is. Probably, up there, the Universe has been working on your life and this all will bring you to the place you should've been in for the past 4 years. The Universe has a plan for each second of your life. The Universe, as well as God, is taking constant care of you. You just have to trust the steps they are chosing. They pushed you to come here and write this open letter to yourself. And it's just one of the things They did. You just have to believe in Them.
Sweetheart, you ruined yourself. It hurts to finally admit this and I know it, but this is the truth. You never wanted to admit, that you are not okay and you made it to the point, where you can't turn back. It all started in the brain, then it took your soul and overtook your body. You hate the way you look inside and out. And it sucks. You don't recognize the person you've become. And it hurts you, which is understandable. But what isn't understandable is why do you hate that person so much? As you know, you have two sides of yourself. And one side of you can already answer that, but the other can't at all. Why, oh why, honey, have you put so much pressure on your own self? Why do you hate yourself so much that you even managed to persuade yourself that you love yourself? What had to happen for you to make that decision? Why did you ruin yourself THAT much?
But, honey, don't you worry. Yes, you did ruin yourself. Yes, you are hurt. Yes, you are not okay. But, at the very end of this journey, you'll find out why and you will be indestructible.
Love, Me.
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