Dear Me,
we meet again, and, as far as I can see, it's not our last time. I didn't expect this to be such a helpful way of dealing with your shit, but it turns out, that it is and it feels like a good way of self therapy, so here we are again.
Today you found a new trigger. A simple word that changed your mood INSTANTLY, with no hesitation. DADDY. It took you by surprise and completely changed you. And, let's be honest, you didn't know that. You didn't give a fuck about the person, the name was given to, for a good couple of years and suddenly, out of nowhere, people began using it again and you snapped. You realised, that whenever people are using this simple word, it brings you to a person, that promised you so much and never really made that promise happen. To the person, that was supposed to be the most important man in your life and became the least important person in the world. The person that was supposed to love you unconditionally, and yet left with no hesitation. The person, that is so far away from being a dad. A person that broke your heart and ruined your life. And even after all those years, this is still in you. This shit still hurts. This shit still breaks you even more. And now it even physically hurts. This shit is, well, bullshit. And that trigger doesn't make you cry and fall into depression yet again, but it makes you mad and disappointed. You somehow interpret this word with a person that betrayed you and exchanged you for a new life. And I understand.
Today you also found out how much you truly hate the way you are living at this very moment. How many things are actually holding you back from living your dream life. How many things are truly shitty and how you can do NOTHING to change them. How much you truly don't have a fucking clue about what the fuck you should do. How much you are just lost in this goddamned world and noone can really help you, cause you are the only person that can do anything, but you are too scared to do anything. That you are STILL in your fucking comfort zone, regarding all the promises to yourself that you wil leave it behind. How many things you'll have to let go of to finally start living the life you want to live? Will you have the balls to do it? Will you be able to stand up for yourself to finally be free and live your own damn life? Will you do it? Will it break you even more or will you finally start growing and changing?
Love, Me.
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